One of the first
questions people ask when they meet Teenasia, our 17-month-old foster daughter
is, “How long will she be with you?”
It’s
a natural question, and a good question, but it’s one I can’t answer. In our
almost three months of being foster parents, one of the things my husband Bill
and I have come to learn about the neglected or abused children who are part
Milwaukee county’s foster care system is that the unknown is a fact of life. How
long Teenasia stays in our home is dependent on her birth parents getting their
lives back on track to the degree that they are able to care for their
children. The attorneys and social workers in charge of Teenasia’s case can
guess how long this might take, but they don’t like to, and the range of their
guesses is so wide-- “anywhere from three weeks to a year”— that they are
better off not making any prediction at all.
So
Teenasia is a part of our family for maybe the rest of this month, or maybe the
rest of this year, or maybe even — and this would be unlikely — forever, if
both her mother’s and father’s parental rights were to be terminated.
We
have a baby living with us and we don’t know how long she’ll stay. Everything
is a reminder of the uncertainty of Teenasia’s situation. I look at the
one-size-too-big shoes we received from a neighbor and wonder if Teenasia will
still be with us when she fits into those shoes. I imagine her in a little
summer dress, in a swimsuit, or on a family camping trip, without even knowing
if she’ll still be with us when the winter jackets are finally put away.
The
uncertainty of Teenasia’s situation makes me realize how deeply we depend on
what we perceive to be the duration of a relationship to know how to love someone
or how much effort to give the relationship. When I talk with other women my
age, we agree that it has become more difficult to make close friends as we
tick toward the mid-thirty mark. We are so busy, and establishing a new
friendship can be an exercise in risking precious time and emotional energy
without a definite payoff. So we hold back unless we think the friendship has a
chance of progressing and moving forward.
The
nature of foster parenting, however, is loving without regard to the future. And
it’s a different kind of love than I’ve ever experienced before. From
Teenasia’s perspective, it doesn’t matter whether she stays a month or a year.
She just needs her toes kissed and her chubby cheeks stroked. She needs someone
to cheer for her as she learns to walk and understand that she means banana
when she shouts “’Nana!” If she is
clothed, diapered, fed and hugged regularly, she knows she is loved.
Teenasia, at 17
months, cannot understand the uncertainty of her future, and because of this,
cannot be concerned about it. And by living so deeply in the present, she helps
Bill and me do the same.
Teenasia has made
me question the categories I put people into — stranger, acquaintance, close
friend, family. If two months ago I didn’t even know Teenasia and now she is
like a daughter to me, what potential might my other relationships hold, if
only I gave them a chance? How many opportunities do I miss for loving others
because I’m looking towards the future instead of living in the present?
Teenasia reminds
me that Jesus’ command, “Love one another” does not carry with it the promise
of a long-term relationship with the one being loved. “Love one another” is a
command made with Jesus’ knowledge that when we love people, they flourish.
When we love others, they have the opportunity to become, more fully, the
people they were created to be. Love, in its purest state, always transforms.
But it never guarantees we’ll have a tomorrow.
Teenasia came to
us at age 15 months without shoes and barely able to stand. She had a double
ear infection, a scalp infection and sores in her mouth. She had never slept in
a crib before and woke every hour of each night. She did not smile for the
first two days she was with our family.
Now, she walks
well and delights us with her giggly, outgoing personality. Her infections and
sores have cleared and she sleeps in her crib all night long. She is happy and
content. And while I may never be able to answer the daily question of “How
long will she be with you?” I am able to say that Teenasia has been loved every
minute of the 9 weeks she’s been part of our family. And whether she leaves
when she is 18 months old, or stays until she is 18 years, I know she will go
out of our home stronger than she was when she came.
As I was working
on this column, I had to put it aside to work on something else. I hit the
“close” button of my document, titled simply “Teenasia,” and because I forgot
to save, a message flashed on my screen.
“Do you want to
save the changes you have made to ‘Teenasia’?” it asked.
I pressed yes.
Because I do want
to save the changes.
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