March, 2010: Lent and foster care

Six years ago, when our foster daughter Teenasia was two, we had to give her up for Lent. She had lived with us just over a year at the time, and over the course of that year, her biological father took the parenting classes and met the conditions the court required for her to be placed in his custody. We knew that the timing of the return was such that she would be moved from our house right before Easter. That Lent stands out as the most difficult of my life. Week by week, Teenasia began spending more and more time with her biological father. A full day. An overnight. A weekend. Two weeks before Easter, my husband and I and our two sons, then five and nine, said goodbye by blessing her with the Irish prayer of “May the road rise to meet you,” and buckled her into the car seat in the back of the social worker’s car. I remember waving as the car turned the corner, hoping that the Children’s Court judge knew what he was doing in putting T in her biological father’s custody, but not really believing that he did.

            It was my belief in the Resurrection that got me through. We went on vacation with the boys that spring break and happened upon an amazing Mass on Easter Sunday. The congregation was beautifully multicultural; the readings and homily were radiant with life; the music inspiring. Yes, the Mass said to me, yes, Jesus died on the cross. But now he lives. I thought of T and hung onto the Resurrection.

            Two more Lents and Easters passed by. We received another foster child, Jamie, and adopted her. She wore a pink frilly dress for her first Easter with our family and a blue one for her second. I wondered if Jamie was our Resurrection.

            Then suddenly, in the summer of 2006, Teenasia was detained from the custody of her father once again. She was once again placed with us. Maybe this is it, I thought. Maybe this is her Resurrection. But after six months with us, her father once again met conditions for her return. And we once again said goodbye, did our Irish blessing, and sent a tearful T back to her father.  And at that point, I really thought I had my Resurrection theory all wrong.

            After T had been back with her father about six months, the Court told us there was no chance we’d ever see her again. “The placement is absolutely stable,” Teenasia’s court-appointed guardian said. “I have no reservations about the return of this child to her biological father.” Bill and I knew he was dead wrong, but had no legal recourse.

             As distraught as we were with Teenasia’s return to her biological father, we knew there was still profound need in the foster care system for adoptive parents, and decided it was time to adopt another child. We went through the licensing, the home study, the interviews. We requested that our placement be a girl, younger than Jamie, so as not to disrupt the birth order. And on the very day that we were supposed to be placed with a new child— just over a year since Teenasia had been taken away from us that second time— our little girl was once again detained from the custody of her biological father.  “She needs placement right now,” the emergency-placement social worker said over the phone. “Can you take her?”

            Teenasia was sitting at our kitchen table a half hour later. And once again, I believed in the Resurrection. 

            This Lent, T has been with us a little over two years since she arrived for that third time. Her biological mother and father have court-ordered no-contact with T. Milwaukee’s Children’s Court system has scheduled a trial to terminate their parental rights in early summer. T is eight now, and lives with wounds I will never fully understand. But she also exhibits joy, resiliency and faith that I wouldn’t have believed possible, if I had not experienced them firsthand. Our family’s journey with T has been our own passion—a cycle of suffering and new life. We are still awaiting the Resurrection. Still waiting to adopt Teenasia. This Lent, we may get several steps closer. And next Lent, we may be all the way there.

            Teenasia has forever changed Lent for me. She has changed how I view waiting; and how I view suffering. Because of my daughter, I better understand the weight of a cross and why Jesus fell three times. And because of my daughter, I pray I will one day better understand the Resurrection.

            Many people talk about giving up something for Lent or trying to start something new and good. And I see the value in that—I’ve done it myself and I’ll do it again. But another approach to Lent is to take a look at an existing desert in our life; and to enter into that desert rather than try to sidestep it. Lent can be a time to acknowledge the weight of the cross we’ve been asked to bear and to give ourselves completely to the job of carrying that cross. Accept the suffering. Take on the suffering. But most importantly, believe that the suffering will lead to new life. Will lead to Resurrection.

February, 2010-- What I think you mean to say is....

One of the problems with children is they say exactly what they’re thinking. Early in parenting, this is delightful. We’ve been waiting two years for our kids to talk, and their ability to string words together at all is somewhat of a miracle. We eagerly affirm even the most mundane content, creating entire conversations out of obvious statements.

            “Bird go!”

            “Yes, the bird did leave the fence and fly away. I wonder where it’s going? Maybe to feed the baby birds!”

            As time moves on, though, innocuous statements about birds, trucks and bodily functions are replaced by opinions. The child who used to point out, “Peas green,” now needs to tell us exactly why she doesn’t like peas. The triumphant exclamation of, “Boots! Jacket! Mittens!” is replaced by, “Don’t wanna wear boots!”

            Before I became a parent, I was a middle school teacher. At the time, I was struck by how easily I could divide the class into the complainers and the non-complainers. For the complainers, everything was a trial. The homework load was too heavy; the gym teams were unfair; it was too cold at recess. I watched, amazed, as many of these kids even complained about special treats and privileges— they didn’t get a second brownie; the upcoming field trip wouldn’t be fun; the movie chosen wasn’t what they wanted. And yet, in the same classroom would be other kids who rarely, if ever, complained. They approached homework matter-of-factly; they were grateful for treats; they took disappointment in stride.

            While my job as a teacher was to make sure all the children in my class received an education, looking back, I can say that some kids were a pleasure to teach, while others were a pain. Perhaps more importantly, though, I noticed that the kids who didn’t complain weren’t just holding back their negative comments; these kids were truly more content and more optimistic. They tended to be more focused and more successful. And as a young middle school teacher, I decided that if I would ever be fortunate enough to be a mother some day, I would want my children to be non-complainers.

            I have come to believe that gratefulness and non-complaining must be taught by parents, just as surely as potty training and the alphabet must be taught. While some children might be naturally grateful and non-complaining, they are rare—as rare as kids who teach themselves to read and potty train themselves in a day or two.

            While this might sound discouraging, really it’s not, because just as most kids can learn to read or use the bathroom, so they can learn gratefulness. But it takes some work.

            One of the best phrases I stumbled upon a few years ago is, “What I think you mean to say is…”  I’m not sure which child of mine rolled his eyes upon seeing the bowl of green beans on the dinner table, and had a disparaging remark about them. Annoyed with his lack of gratitude, I spoke without thinking.

            “What I think you mean to say, is ‘Thanks, Mom for making dinner,’” I said to him. He looked at me quizzically, but didn’t say anything more.

            From that dinner on, “What I think you mean to say…”  has occupied a regular place in our family lexicon. While Bill and I don’t use it as a response to questions and complaints that have some legitimacy, it’s the perfect response to sassing back, whining and general complaining when there’s nothing to complain about. And overall, it works. The phrase has the ability to stop the complaint, while reframing the situation within the context of respect or gratefulness.

            “I wanna watch another show!”

            “What I think you mean to say is, ‘Thanks, Mom for letting me watch TV.’”

            “I didn’t mess up the basement.” 

            “I think what you mean to say is, ‘Okay, Dad, I’ll clean up the basement.’”

            What I notice, having used the phrase for a number of years, is that often the kids actually repeat what I say, even though I don’t necessarily tell them they have to. It’s almost like they’re glad someone told them the words; glad someone gave them the script. Whether they can articulate it or not, they’re relieved to have a positive alternative for the negative comment that they automatically reached for. Slowly, I have seen gratefulness become more of a habit for each of my children. As they have learned the words to say, they have started to say them more on their own, without reminders from me.

            “Thanks, Mom, for making dinner,” Jacob said gamely to me the other night, when he noticed his not-so-favorite dish on the table. I raised my eyebrows and we both smiled.

            And the lesson is not just for the children. After coming home from book club one evening, I commented to my husband on the few still unwashed dishes remaining on the kitchen counter.

            “I think what you mean to say,” Bill said to me, “ is, ‘Thanks for cleaning so much of the kitchen and putting the kids to bed so I could go to book club.’”

            Ouch. Thanks indeed. We all need reminders every so often.

January, 2010 Catholic schools

Dominican High School gave me just the nudge I needed this past fall. Actually, it was a little more like a kick in the pants. I went to the parent association meeting in November and one of the topics to be covered was Dominican’s responsibility to make and serve the food at the St. Ben’s meal program the Sunday after Thanksgiving. Our family was going to be spending Thanksgiving at my sister’s in Cincinnati and I knew we wouldn’t be arriving home until Sunday, so I mentally excused us from helping out at St. Ben’s.  As the campus minister, Henry Reyes, got up to speak, I had already crossed St. Ben’s off in my mind with a “too busy” notation.

             “Dominican always has the fifth Sunday of the month at St. Ben’s,” Henry said as I scanned the agenda for what was coming next. “And this often coincides with a holiday. Some people think this is too bad, because it makes it inconvenient for families to help out-- we’re all so busy at the holidays. But I welcome the fifth Sunday because it forces us to rearrange our schedule and reorganize our priorities. Service isn’t something we do if we have the time for it. Service is what we make time for.”

            I snapped to attention. Henry was right, of course. We weren’t the only family with a good excuse not to serve. Every family had one.

            Thanks to Henry, we left Cincinnati on Saturday evening instead of Sunday morning as we had planned. The kids were so good in the car that we drove straight through with only a bathroom stop. We had a full day in Milwaukee to unpack from the trip and a meaningful Sunday night serving at St. Ben’s with the kids. It was actually a less-hectic way to return home than we had planned.

            One of the most surprising gifts of choosing Catholic education for our children has been that education’s effect on Bill and me. When we chose a Catholic grade school for four-year-old Jacob, 11 years ago, we did so with the understanding that it would help form Jacob’s faith experience; we didn’t understand that it would deepen our own faith as well.

            But just as practicing geography with Jacob has made me better able to remember the countries in South America, so has coming in contact with the kids’ religion lessons and prayer experiences reacquainted me with aspects of my faith that might have otherwise faded.

            The other day in the van on the way to school, Liam was listing the Ten Commandments out loud to prepare for a religion test. I listened, trying occasionally to beat him to the punch. It occurred to me, as Liam intoned, “You shall not covet your neighbor’s goods,” that if we had not chosen a Catholic school for our kids, no one would be reminding me not to covet on this random Tuesday. And considering that a few minutes after dropping off the kids, I’d be in a work meeting with my co-worker with the fabulous boots and handbag, I could definitely use that tenth commandment reminder.

            The faith that permeates my children in their Catholic Schools seeps into their skin and souls and fills our home. It joins with what Bill and I are teaching them; it enhances what they take from church. And then it spills over to challenge me.

            Once, when Teenasia misbehaved and was sent to her room as a consequence, Liam came down and quietly told me she was up there saying the Rosary out loud. Do I say the Rosary when I’m angry or troubled? Not usually, so she didn’t get the idea from me. Saying the Rosary in school moved Teenasia to take action at home; and that in turn, was witnessed by Liam, who reported it to me. My second-grader was evangelizing within her own family, just by her example.

            Perhaps more than specific prayers or religion units, what both St. Monica and Dominican have given Bill and me is a culture of approaching life always through the lens of faith. Because we both work in secular settings, discussion of faith is not part of our day-to-day work lives. Belonging to school communities where every meeting begins with prayer, where every handout has some reference to an aspect of church or faith, where the very mission and reason for existence of the institution is based on Christ, helps us orientate ourselves. The world swirls around us with promises, values and reasons for living that are often at odds with what we know to be true. Catholic schools  have helped us, as a couple, to better hold onto that truth—and to pass that truth on to our children.

            This Catholic Schools Week, I give thanks not only for what Catholic Schools have taught my children, but for what they have given to Bill and me. A whisper. A nudge.  A kick in the pants. I am so grateful.

December, 2009 Christmas traditions

Keeping Christ in Christmas doesn’t need to be one more “to-do” on your already packed December calendar. Jesus was born to bring peace, not to stress you out. Try inviting him to be a part of some of your existing holiday traditions—doing so can help both parents and kids to remember the deeper meaning of the season. 

Christmas cards: Turn this chore into a time of Advent reflection for parents. Wait until the kids are tucked in, then put on some quiet Christmas music, pour yourselves some eggnog (or hot buttered rum), and light a candle. Approach your stack of cards with a spirit of thankfulness for the family and friends God has given you. Talk about who has stood out this year—maybe a family struggling with a difficulty or one who has become closer to your own family.  Even if you’re normally not one to write personal notes, pick a handful of people you are especially thankful for and tell them why you appreciate them. Don’t worry that you’re not being “fair” by not writing such notes to everyone—maybe someone else will receive a note from you another year.

Watch the calendar:

“My kids and I make a point of never walking down a Christmas aisle before December,” said Carol, mother of four school-aged kids. “Doing this makes the kids feel ‘in the know’ about when our church seasons actually are. It also gives us the chance to talk about Advent and separate ourselves from what’s being done commercially for Christmas.”

Decorating the tree: Before you start untangling the lights, gather around your bare tree and read a story from Scripture— the John the Baptist story; the annunciation; an infancy narrative. Have each family member pick out one ornament and pray for the something that ornament brings to mind.

Light the Advent wreath: Even if you can’t commit to lighting the candles every night of Advent, do so whenever you can. Keep a Bible on the kitchen counter with a bookmark in one of your favorite passages. As you light the candle, have one of your kids read just a couple verses of the passage.

Pay attention to your nativity set: If your Christmas decorations include a crèche, use it as a change of pace for your before-bed prayers. Rather than praying with kids in their rooms, take them down to the crèche to pray. Whether you say the Hail Mary or Our Father, read Scripture, or have the kids pray spontaneously, you will be reminding your children that there is something different and holy about the time before Christmas.

            “During Advent, I put out our unbreakable crêch and let the kids play with it,” said Denise, mother of three kids under nine. “They have the angels babysit the animals and Jesus while Mary and Joseph go out. I have resisted bringing more structure or meaning to their play in fear it would kill the joy of their imagination.  But it secretly focuses me on the preparation of all those people who were brought to the manger.”

And on Christmas morning:

“We put a small, empty bassinet under our Christmas tree, next to the presents,” said Regina, mother of five. “On Christmas, before we open the presents, we place a baby doll in it. The empty bassinet reminds the kids what we are waiting for.”

November, 2009 Abortion, foster care and adoption

Pro-life bumper stickers make me uncomfortable. So do pro-life t-shirts with their large pictures unborn babies.

            They don’t make me uncomfortable because I’m pro-abortion. I agree with the Church’s teachings on the sanctity of life at every stage. I do not believe in the death penalty; don’t believe in euthanasia and rarely think that war is the only answer to an international problem.  Rather, my discomfort with some aspects of the pro-life movement in general, and the Catholic piece of it in particular, arises from my perspective as a foster and adoptive parent. I see too little of a connection between the pro-life movement and the foster and adoptive community.

            As of December of 2008, there were 2,638 children in Milwaukee County who needed placement outside of their homes because of allegations of neglect or abuse by their parents. That year, there were just 857 active, licensed foster homes able to receive those children. The rest of the children had to be placed with unlicensed relatives or in group homes. In Milwaukee, as well as in other cities its size or larger, the families who do step forward to foster are too often marginal themselves. Recent tragedies highlighted in the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel’s series on the ills of the Milwaukee foster care system illustrate just how dire the situation is.

            While I understand that not every Catholic family is called to foster or adopt, a Catholic pro-life identity must include a highly visible commitment to those children who were not initially aborted, but whose current life of neglect and abuse leaves them vulnerable and at risk.

            Our Catholic pro-life voice is well-known. But what if we could become equally well-known for our commitment to providing safe families for foster children? If alongside their work to change legislation regarding abortion, pro-life groups would work within the foster care arena, the movement would gain necessary credibility. A commitment to foster care, when put next to a commitment to end abortion, demonstrates an understanding of the complexity of the abortion question. It underlines our Catholic teaching of the sanctity of life— life threatened within the womb, but also facing just as serious danger outside the mother’s body. At a recent Catholic conference I attended in Chicago, there were four booths dedicated to the anti-abortion aspect of the pro-life movement. Yet, I didn’t see even one booth—or even one small part of a pro-life booth— dedicated to recruiting new foster parents.

            Although Adoption, not abortion! makes a catchy bumper sticker slogan, the issue of adopting would-be aborted children is not as simple as it might appear. Of the more than a hundred thousand children currently awaiting adoption in the U.S., almost half are African American, according to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. Of this group, severely disabled children and black boys must wait the longest for adoption. At the same time, the Center for Disease Control and Prevention’s statistics show that more than a third of the U.S. women each year who choose abortion are black. When we, as church, tell these women to put their children up for adoption, do we back up our words by pointing to families open to adopting black children? Right now, the answer is no — there is a shortage of parents willing to adopt black children, and our words are hollow. 

            I recognize that some pro-life activists might bristle at the idea that they are not doing enough for children. Many of these people give tremendous amounts of time and energy trying to prevent the tragedy of abortion and the emotional fallout it causes for women. I am not suggesting that they stop. But I am suggesting that we, as Catholics, begin to look at the issue of abortion in a less simplistic way. I’m suggesting that we open our arms even wider—that we challenge each other to create a line of households ready and waiting to accept unwanted, abused or neglected children. And when we do this, when the word “Catholic” is linked with foster care just as surely as it is with “pro-life,” then we will be able to hold our heads high when we tell others to “Choose life.” Because others will have our assurance that life will be protected, once it is chosen.