When it comes to snacks, each of my children has a different
preference. While none of them would turn down any offer of a brownie, chips,
ice cream or strawberries, if they were given a choice among the snacks, all
four of them would choose something different. Jacob, the oldest, leans toward
chocolate and sweets, while ten-year-old Liam goes for the salt and crunch. T,
our foster daughter, would choose ice cream over anything, and I have
repeatedly seen five-year-old Jamie turn down cookies and cake in favor of
fruit.
The Five Love Languages of Children by
Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell (Northfield Publishing, 1997) is built around
the premise that every person has a primary “language” which they use to both
express their love, and through which they best receive love. Just as each of
my children enjoys all snacks but has a favorite leaning, the authors assert
that everyone needs healthy doses of all five of the love languages, but that
we feel most fulfilled when someone is “speaking” to us in our language. We
each have a “love tank” that is best filled when someone speaks our primary or
secondary language.
While the
words “skillful lover,” can hardly be uttered without a wink and a nudge, we as
parents need to become skilled at loving our children. Knowing the best way to
fill their tank can be an important first step. Here are the five love
languages:
Physical touch:
These are the huggers. They want to sit on your lap and cuddle on the couch.
Jamie’s primary love language is physical touch. Yesterday, while Bill was
reading the paper at the breakfast table, she curled up in his lap, pressing
her head in the space between his chin and chest. She sat there, not moving,
for about 10 minutes, and then ran off, happily, to play. “It’s like charging a
phone,” Bill said when she left.
Quality time:
Kids whose love language is quality time feel loved when they are getting you
all to themselves for awhile. Jacob, 13, has quality time as his primary love
language. Jacob’s tank is filled when Bill or I spend a half hour with him
alone. It doesn’t matter what we’re doing together—I have had Jacob thank me
profusely for taking him to buy index cards—he so enjoyed just running the
errand together. It’s fortunate that he is allowed to stay up an hour later
than his siblings—he uses the time to pepper us with questions or tell us
stories about his day. This is also Bill’s primary love language. Every time we
are able to leave the kids and go for a quick run together or out for a bite to
eat, all is right with the world.
Gifts:
Six-year-old Teenasia has been back with our family for about 10 months now. This is
her third round with us as a foster child, as the court keeps sending her back
to her biological family. At first, it was hard to figure out what T’s love
language was, because it seemed like she needed all five of them constantly. I
remember telling Bill in the early days of her time with us that it felt like
she was a vacuum, sucking out my very soul—so needy. While this is still
somewhat true, I can also now notice that she is extremely appreciative of
small gifts. People whose primary language is gifts feel that a
thoughtfully-chosen gift indicates that someone was thinking of them even when
they weren’t there. They don’t need diamonds and baubles, but they want a
physical object to remind them that they were on your mind. Jamie’s birthday
this past August was one of Teenasia's most difficult days with us. I think it was
because all those gifts for Jamie and just one token present for Teenasia made her
wonder about our love for her. I gave Teenasia a fortune cookie yesterday that I had
leftover in my purse. You would have thought it was a certificate for a new
bike.
Acts of Service: This
is my mom’s primary love language. She is constantly doing things for other
people. When she babysits, it’s not enough to simply watch the kids. Often I
come home and the laundry has been done and the family room is
uncharacteristically clean. People whose primary love language is acts of
service feel most loved when someone thinks to do something for them. My good
friend Amy, a mother of three, also has this as her primary love language. She
says it can be a difficult language for a mom to have because while she can
express her love to her family very easily through service, sometimes the
family doesn’t reciprocate quite enough. While they may thank her or speak
appreciatively, it’s not until they actually do something (like remember to put
their socks away) that her tank is filled.
Words of affirmation:
“Fantastic job cleaning your room,” goes a long way for kids with this love
language. They lap up compliments and never tire of hearing you tell stories of
their successes to grandparents and friends. The more specific and genuine the
words of affirmation are, the better. This is both Liam’s and mine. We spend a
lot of time complimenting each other. Liam’s secondary love language is “acts
of service,” so on Wednesdays, when I make him a hot breakfast, he is so full
of words of affirmation for me he can hardly chew his waffles.
