September, 2012: Jacob and Annemarie begin to column share

Jacob was six and Liam was three when I started writing my column in the Catholic Herald. Teenasia was a baby, living perhaps five miles away, part of struggling family I did not yet know. Jamie had not yet been born — her biological family was also struggling, unknown to me, on Milwaukee’s near-south side. My column was to be about God’s movement in family life and I named it Training Wheels.

            Looking back over my early columns, a theme was protection. I wanted to protect my boys from the pain and hurt of the world. My debut column was about Jacob receiving ashes on Ash Wednesday with his first grade class. I wrote about watching Jacob approach the teacher as she said, “Remember you are dust and to dust you will return.”  And this was my response, back in 2002: I recognized that I held in my heart the tiniest hope that this phrase wouldn’t be true for my son. That Jacob would somehow beat the system. That he wouldn’t suffer and die like the rest of us. That maybe, if my husband and I could just love him enough, dust-to-dust would not apply.

            While I did note, several paragraphs later, that if Jacob was to be a disciple, his life would need to include some of the suffering that discipleship requires, I remember a visceral feeling of wanting to hold Jacob tight; to wanting to never let him go. I remember forcing myself to write what I knew was true, even if I had difficulty believing that truth myself — that the goal, eventually, was not to be Jacob’s protector, but rather, to help him become the disciple he was called to be. I was very early in my process of stepping back as a parent and letting God lead. Perhaps my most noteworthy accomplishment that Ash Wednesday was that I didn’t actually leap up, run into the aisle and prevent Jacob from receiving ashes.

            And now, Jacob is 17 and a senior in high school. It seems only right that having had his childhood chronicled in both my column and my subsequent book, that he should have a few hundred words of his own. We agreed to work off a common theme each month and not show each other our writing until we both were finished. This month’s theme is “growing up.”

            I am sure Jacob won’t be writing about his first grade Ash Wednesday experience as he reflects on his upcoming transition in life. But for me, Jacob at the cusp of adulthood is causing all sorts of flashbacks to Jacob as a newborn or age six, or eleven. I look back and see Jacob becoming taller, smarter, more capable. But I also see myself— each year, moving a bit more from being my son’s protector to being his guide. Yes, a piece of me is still the mom of six-year-old Jacob who wants to hold on tight, but a bigger piece of me is ready to let him go — to share him.

            For I was right when I wrote 12 years ago that the world includes pain and hurt. And parents, as much as we can, should protect our very young children from most of this pain and hurt. But the protection we are called to offer isn’t protection for the sake of giving our children a cushy and problem-free life. We offer our protection so they are able to grow into adults who have the strength and foundation they will need in order to be the world’s next generation of healers; we offer the protection so our children can become the disciples they are called to be. We offer protection so that our children, in turn, may find the ones they are called to protect.

            You’re ready, Jacob. The training wheels are coming off. Pedal hard. Ride strong. Don’t be afraid to take it off-road.

            I can’t wait to see where you go.

May, 2012-- How much activity?

Spring is in the air. . .and baseball, track, tennis, Confirmation, prom.

For three hours of one day last week, we had only one car. The minivan’s tire blew, and it was in the shop during that crucial after-school time slot when Liam and Teenasia had baseball and soccer practice, respectively, on opposite ends of two neighboring suburbs. Jacob would need to be picked up from his tennis match across town, and Jamie would need to be dropped off at her Irish dance lesson, a few blocks away. With two cars, the routine was complicated, but possible. With one car, we needed to start thinking about calling friends for driving favors, or including into our routine the free shuttle provided by the repair shop.

If you looked at any one of our four children, you would not say he or she was overprogrammed. In addition to school, each child has one or two outside activities. For each individual child, the schedule is manageable. The complication is in the multiples. One family I know, also with four kids, had one weekend with eleven games.  

Parents’ responses to the heightened level of organized sports and activities for children are varied. Some parents embrace the opportunities their children have— feeling there is little downside to the competition, fun and talent development. Other parents approach their kids’ activity level more cautiously, wary of injuries and burnout that can happen when kids do too much too soon. Most parents are looking for that sweet spot of balance— finding the activities that engage their children without sacrificing the pleasure that can come from having unstructured time as a family.

Some experienced parents admit they got out of the blocks too fast with their first child, not recognizing how long they had for organized activities. Maureen, mother of five ranging from toddler to teen, said: “Early in my parenting career I felt pressure to get my young children involved in everything. I felt as if my kids would be socially awkward if I deprived them of activities. Several kids later, by the grace of God, I have wised up and learned that overdoing activities wreaks havoc on good families and makes everyone feel crazy.’ Our current family rule is one activity at a time.” Reginald, father of five children under ten, believes that young children first and foremost need time with parents. “My wife and I only have so much time to try and parent everyone while they are in the young ages,” he said. “Running them around takes us away from face-to-face time. I heard a speaker say that every kid needs a small town. And I think that as parents and a family, we are their first and hopefully strongest small town. I hope to develop other small towns for them—through more activities--  when they are older.”

My friend Denise, who has four children ages four to 11, told me that she and her husband Arthur take this view:  “We may make a mistake and may miss signing them up for something for which they have a real talent. We are not going to stress over this.  We believe God is generous and gives us more talents and gifts than we can ever really use.”  Denise’s comment of God giving us an abundance of talents is a thought I return to when I consider our daughter Teenasia, who so far, has shown talent at every sport she has tried. While our boys are decent athletes, they are not gifted in the same way Teenasia is, and Bill and I are learning that Teenasia will likely need to leave some of her potential on the table as we together make choices about what sports to pursue seriously as she gets older.

Other friends, John and Anne, parents of four, have told us they look to their faith for guidance.  “We weigh the value of activities.  We try to discern what God’s will is for our time and talent – who is served by what we do,” said Anne.

Parents of middle schoolers and teens who have successfully shepherded their children through the plethora of activity options say they have needed to keep an eye on their child’s physical, emotional and mental health. Sports medicine doctors are reporting that sports injuries that once were only common in serious college athletes are now seen at the middle- and high school levels. Teens who have given their childhood to a club sport can feel an unhealthy sense of obligation to continue the sport beyond the point that it is enjoyable to them. “We have watched as friends have chosen a state cup soccer game over a graduation and we have not agreed with those choices,” said Pam, mother of two teen girls. “I think parents get so flattered and caught up when their child gets to a high level team that they accept Sunday morning games, tremendous expenses and family stress to maintain that status.  Our place of peace has come from questioning ‘at what price?’”

Talking to parents on the sidelines of tennis, soccer, baseball, Irish dance, and track this spring, I have come to the conclusion that there’s no easy answer in determining what level of activity and competition fits a family. The key seems to be in parents holding a sense of intentionality regarding the choice—to have a well-thought out reason for either choosing or not choosing a particular activity. The parents who seemed the most satisfied with their children’s activities were the ones who had spent some time thinking and discussing the reasons they were choosing a particular activity. And when to do all this thinking and discerning? Well, to me, a folding camp chair on the sidelines of a game on a sunny day, seems as good of a spot as any. 

April, 2012 How much activity is too much?

For three hours of one day last week, we had only one car. The minivan’s tire blew, and it was in the shop during that crucial after-school time slot when Liam and Teenasia had baseball and soccer practice, respectively, on opposite ends of two neighboring suburbs. Jacob would need to be picked up from his tennis match across town, and Jamie would need to be dropped off at her Irish dance lesson, a few blocks away. With two cars, the routine was complicated, but possible. With one car, we needed to start thinking about calling friends for driving favors, or including into our routine the free shuttle provided by the repair shop.

If you looked at any one of our four children, you would not say he or she was overprogrammed. In addition to school, each child has one or two outside activities. For each individual child, the schedule is manageable. The complication is in the multiples. One family I know, also with four kids, had one weekend with eleven games.  

Parents’ responses to the heightened level of organized sports and activities for children are varied. Some parents embrace the opportunities their children have— feeling there is little downside to the competition, fun and talent development. Other parents approach their kids’ activity level more cautiously, wary of injuries and burnout that can happen when kids do too much too soon. Most parents are looking for that sweet spot of balance— finding the activities that engage their children without sacrificing the pleasure that can come from having unstructured time as a family.

Some experienced parents admit they got out of the blocks too fast with their first child, not recognizing how long they had for organized activities. Maureen, mother of five ranging from toddler to teen, said: “Early in my parenting career I felt pressure to get my young children involved in everything. I felt as if my kids would be socially awkward if I deprived them of activities. Several kids later, by the grace of God, I have wised up and learned that overdoing activities wreaks havoc on good families and makes everyone feel crazy.’ Our current family rule is one activity at a time.” Reginald, father of five children under ten, believes that young children first and foremost need time with parents. “My wife and I only have so much time to try and parent everyone while they are in the young ages,” he said. “Running them around takes us away from face-to-face time. I heard a speaker say that every kid needs a small town. And I think that as parents and a family, we are their first and hopefully strongest small town. I hope to develop other small towns for them—through more activities--  when they are older.”

My friend Denise, who has four children ages four to 11, told me that she and her husband Arthur take this view:  “We may make a mistake and may miss signing them up for something for which they have a real talent. We are not going to stress over this.  We believe God is generous and gives us more talents and gifts than we can ever really use.”  Denise’s comment of God giving us an abundance of talents is a thought I return to when I consider our daughter Teenasia, who so far, has shown talent at every sport she has tried. While our boys are decent athletes, they are not gifted in the same way Teenasia is, and Bill and I are learning that Teenasia will likely need to leave some of her potential on the table as we together make choices about what sports to pursue seriously as she gets older.

Other friends, John and Anne, parents of four, have told us they look to their faith for guidance.  “We weigh the value of activities.  We try to discern what God’s will is for our time and talent – who is served by what we do,” said Anne.

Parents of middle schoolers and teens who have successfully shepherded their children through the plethora of activity options say they have needed to keep an eye on their child’s physical, emotional and mental health. Sports medicine doctors are reporting that sports injuries that once were only common in serious college athletes are now seen at the middle- and high school levels. Teens who have given their childhood to a club sport can feel an unhealthy sense of obligation to continue the sport beyond the point that it is enjoyable to them. “We have watched as friends have chosen a state cup soccer game over a graduation and we have not agreed with those choices,” said Pam, mother of two teen girls. “I think parents get so flattered and caught up when their child gets to a high level team that they accept Sunday morning games, tremendous expenses and family stress to maintain that status.  Our place of peace has come from questioning ‘at what price?’”

Talking to parents on the sidelines of tennis, soccer, baseball, Irish dance, and track this spring, I have come to the conclusion that there’s no easy answer in determining what level of activity and competition fits a family. The key seems to be in parents holding a sense of intentionality regarding the choice—to have a well-thought out reason for either choosing or not choosing a particular activity. The parents who seemed the most satisfied with their children’s activities were the ones who had spent some time thinking and discussing the reasons they were choosing a particular activity. And when to do all this thinking and discerning? Well, to me, a folding camp chair on the sidelines of a game on a sunny day, seems as good of a spot as any. 

February, 2012: A parenting do-over

When I was in grade school, playing kickball at recess, every so often a player, upon messing up a kick, would yell “do-over!” and get to try the kick again. I don’t remember there being any rules around the shouting of “do-over.” You would certainly not yell it all the time, but rather in specific instances, such as if you stumbled on your approach and the resulting kick was extremely weak and sub-par. A yell of “do-over” for a strong kick that was caught for an out was quickly dismissed as unworthy. While we certainly couldn’t have articulated it, do-overs were for mistakes and missteps that were uncharacteristic of the kicker’s normal ability.

            My husband and I just took a parenting do-over.

            Our youngest daughter Jamie turned eight right before third grade began this past fall. St. Monica’s birthday cutoff is September 1, so Jamie had always been one of the youngest kids in her class. For the past three years, Jamie has been doing grade-level work, but with lots of help from Bill and me at home. Hours at the dining room table on school nights. More time reading and practicing math facts on weekends. Summer tutoring and extra academic classes. We’ve been pedaling furiously—not to keep her in front, but simply to make sure she keeps up.

            And suddenly, this past fall, after a difficult third grade parent-teacher conference, Bill and I came to a conclusion that we arguably should have reached years before: We should have not sent Jamie to kindergarten when we did. We should have held her for another year. Our daughter was in the wrong grade and we needed a do-over.

            The month following our epiphany at parent-teacher conferences eventually resulted in a decision to move Jamie to Holy Family, a neighboring Catholic school, and drop her down to second grade. It was a heart-wrenching month of visiting schools, praying a Novena for good decision-making, and staying up way too late discussing what would be best for Jamie and our other children.

            After her first day in the new school and new grade, Jamie bounced into my arms with a joyful exuberance that made the difficult discernment process worth it. “Besides my adoption day and my baptism, this was the best day of my life!” she said. 

            Decision-making as a parent is complicated by the very children who we are making decisions for. We may want input from them, yet at the same time, we recognize the final decision must be ours, not theirs. Good decision-making involves three components—prayer, time and courage.

            Prayer: Prayer in a time of decision-making should be focused on being open to any direction God may want to take us. The human impulse is to take the path of least resistance or risk, yet, often the decision that is best for us or our children may require a departure from our own plans. Praying for openness can help us see possibilities that we may otherwise have been closed to. “When we were deciding between two high schools for our son, I found that I actually needed to pray to accept the signs God was sending me,” said Bob, father of two. “I discovered what I wanted was affirmation from God to send our son to a school I felt had more prestige. When God’s path for us started looking different than what I planned, I felt uncomfortable. Praying to be open helped me to be able to follow on what I sensed what was God’s will for our son—it helped me to listen to God and not my ego.”

            Time: Not giving a decision enough time can lead to an impulsive act that we eventually will regret. Decisions that drag on beyond a reasonable time period can loom larger than they deserve to be and can draw our attention away from other equally important issues in our lives. Each decision has its own reasonable timeline, and finding a sweet spot in terms of timing is key. At the beginning of the process, create a deadline. But as you approach the deadline, take it seriously without allowing it to take you hostage. For Jamie, we had planned to make a decision so that she could start a new school right after Christmas break. When we didn’t have clarity by that point, we gave ourselves a new deadline—a couple weeks after Christmas—and were able to make a decision by then.

            Courage:  It is often the few days just before we actually execute the decision that are the most difficult. The reality of acting on the decision—not just thinking about it—can make us second-guess ourselves. Two days before Jamie’s grade and school change, I was nauseous and unable to sleep.  Jamie herself was blissfully unaware, but Bill and I were burdened with the ramifications of moving her from a school community our family had been part of for thirteen years. Courage in decision-making required us to believe at this point, that God was with us, whether we were making the correct decision or not. When Trinette and Greg, parents of three, had decided to move from Washington, D.C., to Milwaukee in order to live in a more family-friendly environment, the couple began to feel uneasy right before the move. ”Our pastor understood our worry,” Trinette said. “He told us: ‘Have faith that what you are doing is the right decision.  It isn't because of what you might find once you reach your destination, but that you found the courage to lead the life God set forth for you. Until that moment I had doubted and questioned our decision, but when he said that, my faith was able to relieve my fears.”